It’s funny, really. Just when I think I have life figured out, it seems that something decides to happen that doesn’t fit into my calendar. In a perfect world, my calendar would have a billion adventures packed in without any end in sight without any unforeseen circumstances. But, as we all know, it’s just not realistic.
A little over a week ago, my plans for the summer were to be at Redwood Camp at a place called Mount Hermon. Yet, due to COVID-19, those plans have changed and it seems like I may be working at a different camp that I had gone to in high school. It’s not something I would’ve planned for myself, but I have to trust that God’s plan for this summer is better than what I could have ever wanted for myself. Since then, I’ve been quite emotional due to some feelings that have been stirred up. This morning, I woke up after a particularly emotional night, sat up in bed, puffy-eyed from tears the night before, and just thought – how did I get here? I’m not usually the most emotional person in the room. If anything, I’m probably the one making my troubles seem small with a joke or three. But, this year has been emotionally challenging for me (and the world, I imagine). These are very weird times, man.
For me, emotions are like magazines in the grocery store lines. You know what I mean. You acknowledge that they’re there. Maybe every now and then you find one that’s interesting, you pick it up and look at it a bit, but then the line moves and you put it back, “Ah, yeah, that was cool”. But you never actually buy them, you’d never take them home with you. My emotions are like those magazines. Occasionally, I’ll notice the emotion I’m feeling at the moment… happy, sad, angry, disappointed, anxious, there’s more. But I never dwell on them, I don’t look into them, and I sure don’t let them in my cozy home of a brain. It’s just not my thing.
It still isn’t. But I’ve definitely had to look at and feel them for my own growth. I didn’t realize how much emotions matter to other people and how key it is to growing up. Normally, I don’t like to dwell on the past because of the fact that it is in the past and I can’t change the actions of the person I used to be. I can only move forward and learn from the mistakes I’ve made. For some reason though, I’ve been having a really negative outlook on the girl I used to be and it can really get to me. Sometimes, I wonder that if I knew what I knew now, would I change things that I’ve done?
I have a bad case of FOMO (fear of missing out). I’ve been told that FOMO kills gratitude because nothing can be enough and it is a weapon of comparison to what we could have or should be doing. I try so hard to remember this because it can feel overwhelming when all you see is a sea of possibilities and missed opportunities. Typically, I feel FOMO in the present or future moments, always in anticipation and looking for something exciting to take part in. But lately, I’ve had a sort of FOMO for my past, if that can make any sense. I look back and wonder, what if I had done this instead of the other thing? Or where would I be today if I would’ve kept fighting for things I cared about rather than running in the opposite direction? From here, you can only imagine the anxiety that starts to course through me.
Last night, I was on my bed doing homework with my headphones on listening to music. It’s been a pretty emotional week already because I’ve been thinking a lot about something from my past. Next thing I know, a song called “Sorry” by Tors came on and I’m crying. Not just any crying either, it’s that ugly, can’t breathe or see-anything kind of crying. It sucked, but I think it was needed. I had built up so much emotion over the course of two years that I had never confronted because I felt like it wasn’t my place to feel sadness over this particular thing. I had been told that since it was my decision, I should be happy & just get over it. Yet here I am, two years later, still thinking about it, trying to understand what I lost and how much it still means to me.
Part of me trying to understand these emotions is me wondering if the future could change anything since it still means that much to me. But, I’m learning that this is something that I need to fully trust God with and that if it’s meant to be it will be. I think that in life, things happen to us. We make choices and things happen in our lives that we look back on and either think, “Wow, I’m really glad that this happened,” or we think, “Man, I wish I would’ve known what I know now.” It’s only natural to wonder about these things, but the problem is if we stay there and don’t adapt.
In the meantime, I know that I’m better than I was before but also that I’ll be better than I am right now. Growth is a process. Right now, even though I think I’ve learned a few life lessons, I’ll probably look back on this one day and know more than I did before. It’s a beautiful thing, that we have the opportunity to look back and see how far we have come.
I hope you all have (or had) a great day. You are so loved.
-A
P.S. if you’re curious about the song I mentioned, here’s the link to the song 🙂
Ari Miranda 
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